My nearly 3-year-old daughter knows what she wants and wants it "right now, Mama, right now!" She has also been involved in some "push and shove" dialogues with other children. The immediacy of her needs is expressed verbally with as much drama and whine as she can muster and is occasionally punctuated with a push or kick, especially when the other person isn't doing what she wants.
I was surprised when she started doing this. I wondered what I was doing wrong. Neither my husband nor I hit or kick anyone. In fact, we are striving to raise her to be as peaceful with people as possible. I am fully aware that it is my duty as her parent to teach my daughter to use her words when angry, not her limbs. I certainly don't want to raise a brute.
Where is this behavior coming from? Is it normal?
I decided to do some investigation. First, I talked with the childcare providers at the daycare that my daughter attends, but they had no reports of concerning behavior and assured me that my daughter has not been bullying other children. They told me that pushing and hitting between children of her age is normal child development due to:
- The frustration that children feel due to their lack of ability to clearly express themselves verbally and a lack of other skills that emerge in later development stages;
- The immediacy with which they respond to situations;
- A test of cause and effect;
- The physical manner in which young children interact with their world;
- An assertion of their sense of self.
Various readings and discussions with other parents confirmed that pushing and shoving is typical behavior for angry children at this development stage.
I was relieved but still unsettled by a couple of interactions that my daughter had been involved in recently. In one case, my daughter shoved another child and yelled, "Go away!" The other child immediately began crying and ran to her mother. In another instance, my daughter told another child to move out of her way and then kicked her in the ankle. This child, too, began crying and ran into the arms of her mother.
It's uncomfortable enough for me to endure the crying of any child, but it is very difficult for me when it’s my own child. Though I was assured that her behavior is age-appropriate, my next thoughts were about how to guide her through these frustrations.
I rationally remind myself that I can't control my daughter at all times, especially when I am simultaneously attending to the needs of her 6-month-old brother, and that sometimes things would happen no matter how vigilant I am.
I thought for a long time about why those particular incidents bothered me so much.
My daughter has been on the receiving end of several similar encounters, including one instance when a child walked up to her for unknown reasons and poked her in the chest with a pushpin and another time when a child bit my daughter on the arm while playing. Neither of these situations kept me awake at night, though.
What makes me feel ill at ease is when parents of children that my daughter has hurt do nothing but look at me while I apologize and instruct my daughter to say sorry. My heart sank. I felt like I was being given the silent treatment. I was being reprimanded with silence. I felt judged. I felt like they were telling me nonverbally that they were better parents than me. I started wondering why my daughter was aggressive and their children were not.
I spoke with a couple friends about this. They said my issue was not between my daughter and the other children, but rather between me and what I thought the other parents were thinking of me.
It can be a difficult interaction between parents when one child hurts another, even if part of normal child development. Through these, and later instances of playgroup squabbles, I have learned how very important it is that parents of both children model empathy toward one another and their children, especially when our own child has been hurt.
Reflecting on the instance when my daughter was bitten by another child while playing. While comforting my daughter, I learned that the other child had first hit her and she had hit back before the other child bit her. The other child's mother and I talked to our children about their feelings and helped our children apologize to each other. The children hugged and went back to playing together, while the other mother and I continued talking and became friends.
I recognize that not all parent-to-parent interactions may go smoothly, but the goal remains the same: To gently, with empathy, socialize our children so they become caring, nurturing people. To that end, I feel that it's imperative to keep communication open between parents. Treating other parents with empathy during difficult interactions when one child hurts another models healthy conflict resolution to our children.
When it comes to push and shove, we need to help each other raise our children in the spirit of goodwill. It really does take a village.
4 Steps to Navigating Playdate Squabbles
- Avoid blaming anyone - Instead, what I need is the "it takes a village" mentality in raising our children. I try to keep in mind that this requires the same emotional responsiveness between parents as we strive for our parent-child relationships.
- Check in with my child - I try to remember that children need opportunities to work out disagreements on their own, but when parents do need to intervene, I find it important to ask my child about what happened. I don't only focus on my child getting hurt, asking her if she did something that might have caused the other child to hit her and asking her how she thinks the other child is feeling as well as how my daughter is feeling.
- Confer with the other child - Depending on the ages of the children involved, either parent may need to speak for the child. I see this as modeling healthy conflict resolution until the child is old enough to do this herself. Now that my daughter is 3 years old, I don't do all the speaking but still help her along in the resolution process. Apologies are said, but then I find it important that the children are told what to do if they get to a point in a later interaction where one feels the need to physically act-out, such as finding myself or the other parent to help.
- Conclude with the other parent - At this point, I find it helpful to point out that the other child's behavior is in fact normal. It's easy, as the parent of the child who hit the other child, to feel sad about their child's behavior and question their parenting approach. I think it's important to reassure the other parent. This can also help lead into conversation that may turn into a friendship.
How do you help your child resolve a playdate misunderstanding?
