How often are you off in another world when you are with your child?
Is your mind preoccupied with thoughts of a conversation or argument you had with your spouse? Are you thinking about what your friend meant by that comment she made about you? Are you scrolling or texting?
You might be thinking about what you would rather be doing than playing Barbie, the work you should be doing, or what you have to get ready for dinner. Maybe you feel frustrated about the time you feel you're wasting, or are you longing for bedtime?
If your child's behavior is bothering you, listen in on your self-talk to learn your beliefs about the motives behind his behavior. If you detect guilt or concern about what others might be thinking of your parenting choices, you’re not alone.
Our minds are constantly filled with random thoughts, judgments, criticisms, worries, and fears. They make up our agendas and take over our consciousness.
Many parents would say their children are of very high importance, and yet we all struggle to give our children enjoyable, undivided time together with us.
I know I’m not alone when I find myself asking, how often am I fully present with my child, aware of what is happening in our relationship, seeing the situation from her point of view, and connecting?
BE HERE NOW
I'm learning how to put conscious intention toward being in the present moment with my child. It’s really difficult to do! But, in honoring my responsibility to our relationship, I’m learning to value the opportunity I have in my parenting role and acknowledge that my child is in my life because of the relationship we are developing.
Sometimes, I do well at being present with her; other times, I don’t. It’s like a seesaw, always a work in progress. I understand that it's not healthy to focus my entire life on my child and only do whatever she wants me to do. But I can’t be wholly focused on my to-do list and expect my child to center her life around my agenda. There needs to be a balance between my needs and my child's needs. I need to honor myself as much as I need to honor my child. It's important that I understand both of our needs and wants and don't get either confused.
Physical exhaustion from the activity of keeping up with a young child is quite different from the mental exhaustion that comes from self-judgment, doubt, anger, and rage of trying to control my child and force her to be who I want her to be or who I think someone else wants her to be.
I'm striving for a relationship with my child where we connect first to figure things out. While I make the decisions as the parent, I want to understand her needs and guide her instead of blindly imposing “by the book” advice.
I've learned to become aware of all the mental gymnastics I put myself through. As I become more aware of my self-talk, I’m learning to remind myself that it's within my control to change my thoughts and then I'm ready to prioritize my attention on what's happening now with me and my child more than what's going on in my head.
I can trust that those thoughts can pass into my head and out, like a train coming in and out of a station, without interrupting my time with my daughter. I don’t have to feel guilty for thinking something, but I also don’t have to take action on my thoughts.
THINK, THEN ACT
Let's say I'm in the supermarket and I am pulling my daughter away from touching a display and she begins to cry. The eyes of several passersby glares in my direction, and I am filled with embarrassment.
What actually happens depends on what I choose to do about these emotions and how quickly I can take control of them.
It's crucial for me to realize that my emotions are determined by the thoughts and assumptions I have about any given situation, not by my child's behavior or words.
The feeling of embarrassment is prompted by what I think about my daughter's behavior and what I assume everyone else is thinking. A thought I struggle with is what other people think about me when my daughter screams.
My immediate reaction is to pull her away and scold her for being rude. That may be a common parenting reaction. When I think about it, I realize this reaction is meant to cover my embarrassment and to show that I am in charge. It’s more for the benefit of what I think others want to see versus what might have been a helpful response. I struggle with this.
On calmer reflection, I realize that what I really want to do is teach my child how to express her anger or resolve conflict in a healthy way.
If I treat my child as if she has made a recoverable mistake, she will learn over time that mistakes are normal and she can do better next time. She will have a positive self-image and her behavior will reflect her belief in herself.
I’ve learned that, if I focus on helping my daughter through a mistake, we both have a whole different experience.
I'm not ignoring or denying my feelings, and I’m not letting my child “get away with” something. My embarrassment is real and understandable, but that does not need to drive my response.
RESPOND OUT OF AWARENESS
When I am aware of my own thoughts and reactions, I can neutrally observe my daughter’s behavior and adjust my response to what she’s capable of at her age and in the situation as well as to what she needs. With practice, it is easier to accept the way I feel and accept the way my daughter feels, and this makes my responses to her more effective.
This gives me a sense of freedom. I feel like I'm better able to focus on my daughter at the moment, rather than be a victim to whatever I'm imagining other people are thinking about my child's behavior or my parenting.
When my primary focus is what is going on between me and my daughter, rather than what strangers in the supermarket may be thinking, I have found it easier to keep my thoughts on how to respond respectfully to my child in situations like her having a tantrum in public. I am more likely to have the presence of mind to say, "I'm sorry I grabbed your arm. I didn't realize how much you wanted to look at that display. I was in a hurry to get through the shopping list."
I realized at some point that strangers are more likely to be supportive of me being sensitive in my response to my daughter than if I reacted to her out of embarrassment.
Parenting this way is much less stressful, because I realize that it's not my job to change my child, or fix her, or control her. By appreciating her expression of her anger, embarrassing as it may be, allowed me to glimpse into my daughter's world and for me to then choose a response out of empathy.
I think this lets her know that, regardless of her behavior, I accept her.
TAKE A BREATHER
When I feel stressed, taking a few deep breaths works. There may be other ways that work for you to stay in the moment during a stressful parenting situation.
It’s hard to accept it, but it’s normal to feel judged. It’s normal for our minds to run away with a story of what we think others might be thinking.
By taking a few deep breaths, I'm stopping for a few moments and that break in my thoughts is what I need to keep myself grounded so my mind doesn't spin out of control. It's easier for me to view the situation objectively.
My friends have had similar experiences, so I know that I’m not alone.
CHANGE YOUR SELF-TALK
Sometimes, taking deep breaths doesn't help as much. Sometimes, it works better for me to repeat a mantra of "He's not a problem; he's having a problem; how can I help?" over and over.
When my head is full of comments like, "Why is this so hard? He's being a scaredy-cat. Just go to sleep already!," it's harder to stop myself from exploding in rage.
I've learned that a lot of my anger comes from a sense that my son is inconveniencing me or disrupting my day's agenda in some way. When I realize this is my issue, it works well for me to think about how the situation looks from my child's perspective.
When I am able to check in with my feelings and consider age-appropriate behaviors, I am able to think through a situation, notice my own feelings, see the issue from my child’s point of view, and stay connected with my child. And I realize that while this may only be temporary, if it happens enough, my daughter may be learning that I can be trusted to really understand, accept, or support her. My daughter deserves my unconditional love.
Take a deep breath.
